Post University frustration.

                                                                        (Breaking Bad - 'Fifty One) 

Taking steps is easy, 

Standing still is hard. - Regina Spektor 

Imperfection is Beauty

One of the things that I have struggled with since I was probably about 13 was Acne. To start with it wasn't that bad just a few spots here and there, but since coming to University it got so bad that it turned to cystic Acne. Of course it's something that a lot of young people deal with. One of the worst things someone can say to someone with acne is, "It's just a few spots", but it can cripple your self confidence and make you really self conscious.

I've always been self conscious about my skin. Sometimes it's just a few spots around my chin but around the last two years it's turned to being about 10 or 20 deep painful spots on my face and horrible acne on my chest, shoulders and back. I tried everything. The treatment most people recommended was ProActive. It obviously works for a lot of people. But for some reason it just went worse. I tried it for the full 12 weeks and it damaged my skin so much that it left scars around my neck and chin. I tried the Simple Acne range, Nivea and Clearasil. But nothing worked.

At some points I wouldn't be able to look in the mirror to put make-up on because the look of my skin would make me cry. I realise it sounds silly to get emotional about your skin. But your face is something everyone notices. The spots on my back and chest would bother me too because I couldn't wear what I wanted to wear. I'd feel like everyone was looking at me and think I'm hideous. I'd feel so stupid for wearing make-up all the time, even to leave my room in Uni to go to the kitchen. I didn't want anyone to see how horrific I looked without foundation. I was so frustrated that it was happening when I was 20-21, I thought that it would be over by now. I thought that it was something you only went through whilst going through puberty.

After coming home from San Francisco last summer, I'd had enough. The sun there, or the atmosphere must have made it worse. I spoke to my friend who had the same problem. He told me to go to the doctors and demand to see a dermatologist once and for all. Because everything that the doctors gave me as well never worked. So, I did. The waiting list was huge. About 6 months to a year. My mother had seen how much it effected my confidence and decided to go private. We saw the same doctor that would have been the NHS doctor but we got to see him early after paying £120 for an early consultation. It was the best £120 I've ever spent, and I'm so grateful to my mother for suggesting it and taking me! After the consultation he prescribed a number of different options. We didn't have to pay anything else after that, the prescriptions were free. If you're sick of waiting, I'd definitely recommend doing this because its not exactly private, the first consultation is but the medication and the rest of the appointments are free. Unfortunately, these first few prescriptions didn't work. He finally prescribed me Isotretinoin, the strongest acne medication there is.

As it's a strong drug, there are a lot of side effects and a lot of precautions you have to take. I had to undertake a pregnancy test, because you can't get pregnant whilst on the medication because it can harm the baby. I had to have a blood test to check my iron levels. Whilst on it for 16 weeks it made my skin very dry and my lips dry. My acne did get worse in the first week or so but cleared up nearly immediately after that. I've finished my course now and IT'S WORKED. I have a few little scars and few spots pop up here and there but that's nothing to what I used to have. I strongly recommend it and am so happy with the results. I've never been so happy looking in the mirror and can walk around the house, even to lectures make up free. I'll always be self conscious about my skin I think, but having no spots is one less thing to worry about. I didn't use moisturiser whilst I was on it because it could effect your treatment, which is frustrating because your skin is so dry. Now that I've finished I use Nivea Soft and E45 cream to get my skin back to normal. Once you've completed your treatment it should stop the dryness anyway.

 I haven't got a before picture, but here is my skin now. My skin isn't perfect, it's still a little red but for me to take a picture without make-up and actually post it, is a pretty big deal.

If anyone ever reads this who suffers from acne, Isotertinoin works. One course and hopefully you won't have to think of the word spots ever again!

Every time I start feeling sexy, I trip.

I'm sure like everyone else in the World, I've had a rather unhealthy obsession to Lena Dunham in the last year or so. Also like everyone else, I fell in love with her acting and writing whilst watching Girls. A brilliant HBO series that captures, like she envisions in the series, the generation of the modern day woman. People call it the new Sex and the City. Yes it has New York, yes the main characters are four women but it's very different. It's gritty and not quite polished, sexually ambiguous and down right hilarious. We've needed a drama like this for awhile. We're seeing more and more women taking the leading role in television recently for example, Zooey Deschenel in New Girl and Clare Danes in Homeland. Lena Dunham is really paving the way for women in television and film.

Girls wasn't enough, I wanted to see what else she'd made. Tiny Furniture is a film she produced, wrote, directed and starred in. It includes very much of the same actors as Girls and also the same themes. She taps into the struggle of being a graduated college student who doesn't quite know what she's doing or where she's going yet. As a third year University student with the same dilemma, I relate enormously with this frequent theme.

As a whole I really enjoyed Tine Furniture. You understand at the end, that Aura (Dunham) really has hit rock bottom and want to believe that things get better for her. Aura is disconnected and self conscious. She befriends Jed, Alex Karpovsky and Charlotte, Jemima Kirk who both star in Girls. I find these relationships strange. She takes Jed in and tries to help him even though he is relatively more successful than she is. Charlotte seems to have everything but is crippled with loneliness and fake friends. There are no chemistry between Charlotte and that seems deliberate. It's a film about people's changing personalities and there reluctance in life. None of them want proper jobs, they want to creatively make something of themselves but don't really know how as they don't know who they are yet. Dunham plays the most real person I've seen outside of a documentary. I'm not sure if that's because her Mother and Sister were playing her Mother and Sister in the film or because the set was actually their Tribeca loft, but she really portrays this character in a modest way. She isn't sexy, charismatic or mercurial but we believe that she deserves to be happy. It isn't a perfect film but it gets under your skin. I was taken aback with how honest it was.

After watching Tiny Furniture I was interested in what else she had written. I came across Nobody Walks, a film she does not star in. I was surprised because there was a lot of actors in it that I admire. John Krasinski from The Office, Olivia Thirlby who was hilarious in Juno and Rosemarie De Witt who was featured in Mad Men.

The performances are good. But not alot happens. We see a dynamic of a pretty laid back family get tested when a young artist stays with them (Thirlby) so she can complete her film. She is a very sexual character, she frustrates the people around her. Thirlby plays it well with what she is given, and pulls off the sexual tension in subtle way.

The film premiered in the Sundance Film Festival and won a Jury Prize. I did like the film. I enjoy character study films, but nothing of much importance happens to justify their motivations. Unfortunately for Dunham Tiny Furniture and Girls are much funnier and smarter than Nobody Walks. It's a frustrating film with pointless minimalism, it suggests emptiness more than mystery. None the less, I enjoyed it and was satisfied with walking away from these troubled characters at the end.

Lena Dunham really knows how to write complex characters with many layers. I'm so looking forward to the third season of Girls and for her to write more features. I don't think my obsession will stop any time soon. She'll be around for a long time!

"Sometimes there's a person who you know looks right and when they walk, that walk makes ladies turn to their window and admire, I see you with the accurate eyes of the sun. You will never have anything or anyone you want, least of all me." - Nobody Walks

I opened up to you, and you judged me.

Silver Lining Playbook was by far one of my favourite films of the last year. Argo was a definite favourite for the Oscar, but I was routing for this gem of a film. Silver Linings Playbook is an offbeat RomCom with mental illness as it's premise. It gives us so much more than we expected. It's bigger than a film, it's a message.

Directed by David O. Russell, who has had a bumpy and strange career. But this film has the same theme of personal struggle and family ties that the O.Russell film The Fighter has. Both films have been in the Oscar race, both Christian Bale and Mellisa Leo both won Oscars for their performances. For her portrayal as Tiffany in this film, the charming Jennifer Lawrence also won an Oscar. David O.Russell really does bring the best out of his actors, he lets them breathe and relax into their characters and brings them to life.

We meet Pat in Silver Linings Playbook, an ex school teacher who has spent the last eight months in a psychiatric hospital suffering from bipolar disorder. He is sent to live back home with his parents Dolores (Jacki Weaver) and Pat Sr (Robert De Niro). Pat Sr shows us the route of Par Jr illness with his obsessive compulsive disorder. He then meets Tiffany (Lawrence), a young widow who suffers from boundary and intimacy issues. When they meet there's an instant connection. Tiffany and Pat enter a dancing competition in return, Tiffany will get Pat back in touch with his estranged wife Nikki.

Cooper plays Pat with his raw excitable energy that he always brings to his characters. But the star and stand out of this film is Jennifer Lawrence. Bringing a vulnerable and really plays on the word 'crazy' to the character. Both bringing a satisfying change and maturity to the characters at the end of the film. We see both of the struggles they have. We see Pat in the psychiatrist's office having a break down over his and Nikki's wedding song, we can see in his eyes that he doesn't want to be like this. But can't stop it. That he doesn't want people to think he's crazy. And eventually this is what is so uniquely special about this film. O Russell created this for his son, who suffers with Bi-polar. The film sends a message that the stigma of mental illness needs to disappear. Having mental illness doesn't make you crazy. That the characters can feel their emotions running wild and can't do anything about it.

Personally, it is a very special film. I can relate with the characters, and I'm sure so many other people can too. As I've said it's a massive message of self-control, family and over coming mental issues. At the basis of the film, there's obvious romance. This film paces well towards this genre of RomCom. Even though it leans more towards the Romantic side than the comedic side. It makes us believe in a 'silver lining' as Pat believes. It might not be what you expected or what you sought out to having but if you work hard and stay positive a silver lining will eventually happen. This is a wonderful, feel good film with an important understanding to the painful issue of mental illness. The actors get to the essence of the issues and story and help us understand the hurt and confusion of the premise.

"The world will break your heart ten ways to Sunday. That's guaranteed. I can't begin to explain that. Or the craziness inside myself and everyone else. But guess what? Sunday's my favourite day again. I think of what everyone did for me, and I feel like a very lucky guy." - Pat 

I want to see the colors of another sky.

Shirt (Forever 21), Jumper (Urban Outfitters), Necklace (Vintage) 

Today, is the first day of a 365 page book.

Blade Runner(1982,Ridley Scott) 

So this is the new year

And I have no resolutions 

For self assigned penance 

For problems with easy solutions 

                                                           - Death Cab For Cutie, The New Year 

San Francisco

So, as most of my friends know, on the 8th of July my friend Nerys and I flew out to San Francisco! We're spending 5 weeks out here in Los Altos Hills looking after twin boys of Nerys' parents best friend, traveling in and out of the city and travelling around! Our flight from Heathrow left at 1 in the afternoon. We took a Virgon flight! I watched 21 Jump Street (hilarious) , The Sitter (shit) and Shame (filth)! When we got into America, the heat was overwhelming after leaving a rainy Britain! We've been here for 2 days and we've already done so much! Rob, the guy we're staying with works for Google! We visited there, and oh my waw it was amazing! It has about 50 buildings that contain 16 restaurants, bowling alley, electric bikes, salons and so much more! Mostly we've been hanging out with the boys, who are adorable! Fashion wise I've been wearing mostly dresses and hair bands because it's so warm! We went to a spa yesterday and my hair went poof! I wore a bandana , shirt from new look and a cute dress from topshop! B. b. Keep you updated on our travels, going to San Fran tomorrow to shop! We just booked a 3 night trip to Vegas too :D seriously born to live here! Ffi :) x